


For the thrill of it, I'll take your heart away

by LA_Mannix



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Episode: s15e18 Despair, Fix-It, Happy Ending, Light Angst, M/M, Post-Episode: s15e18 Despair
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-11
Updated: 2020-11-11
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:33:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27505390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LA_Mannix/pseuds/LA_Mannix
Summary: The aftermath of Cas' confession, and what comes next.Time to save an angel.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 137





	For the thrill of it, I'll take your heart away

**Author's Note:**

> I haven’t written anything in years but like everyone else, I have not been able to stop thinking about this episode since it aired. The muse wants what it wants.  
> Unbeta’d, apologies for any errors.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

He doesn’t know how long he’s been slumped on the floor in the dungeon. Long enough for the phone to finally stop buzzing but not long enough for the voice in his head to stop repeating those words.

_You changed me._

_I love you._

_Goodbye._

He hears his name being called but doesn’t react. He can’t. He’s stuck in a loop; hearing those words over and over and –  
A tentative touch to his shoulder and awareness slams back into Dean like a freight train. He looks up. _Sam._

“Dean?” Sam says, crouching down beside him, “Can you hear me? Are you hurt?”

“Yeah, yeah I can hear you,” Dean replies. He pushes himself off the ground, legs shaky. Sam tries to put a steadying hand on his arm, but Dean brushes him off. Everything is too bright and too raw. He needs to get out of this room. 

Dean looks past Sam and at Jack. 

“Where’s Cas?” Jack asks. Dean doesn’t answer. 

“Everyone is gone. They all just disappeared,” Jack says. He looks around the room, concerned. “Where’s Cas?”

It’s taking all of Dean’s energy just to stay standing right now. All he can do is shake his head. 

“Oh,” Jack exhales. The air in this room is stifling. It hurts to breathe. Dean can’t bear to see the look on Sam’s face.

“I got to get out of here,” Dean says, pushing past Sam. 

“Dean – wait!” Sam calls but Dean doesn’t listen, doesn’t stop, just walks out of the dungeon. He never wants to be in that room again. Never again wants to see the last place that Cas ever stood. 

_You changed me._

_I love you._

_Goodbye._

Later, Dean doesn’t know how much later, Sam appears in the doorway to Cas’ room where Dean has been leaning against the bed. He’s holding a plate, a gesture of solidarity as Cas once called them. It hurts to think about. Dean was so cruel then. 

“I thought you should try and eat something, man,” Sam says. He steps into Cas’ room, eyes moving over the sparse furniture as he sets the plate down at the desk. Cas never really got why he needed to fill the room with things. _To make it your own,_ Dean would say, and Cas would just smile without smiling and reply, _there’s nothing I need._ Dean quashes the memory. 

“’m not hungry.” 

“Dean,” Sam begins. 

Dean shakes his head, “ _No._ No, I am not doing this with you. He’s gone, what more do you need to know?”  
He rises to his feet in one fluid motion and goes to leave. Sam stops him.

“What happened in that room, Dean?” 

“Why? Why the hell do you want to know?” Dean is furious. 

So is Sam. Grief does that to people. “You were-you were practically catatonic in there, Dean, and it scared me. I’m hanging on by a thread here, man. Cas is my friend, and everyone we know, _the whole world_ is gone… and I just need to know. _Please._ ” Sam finishes quietly, like it’s too painful to get the words out. Dean gets it. Dean forgets sometimes how much Cas and Sam mean to each other. Nerd brothers-in-arms. The not knowing is hard. 

So he faces Sam, steels himself, and says, “We were cornered and Cas saved the god damn day.” 

“Did Billie…?” Sam starts and trails off, trying to understand. Trying to spare Dean the pain of having to say the actual words he’s asked of him. 

“She was coming but… no,” Dean takes a deep breath. “Cas… he made a deal with the Empty way back when Jack was sick, and it came collecting. A moment of happiness and the Empty took him. Taking Billie was just a bonus, I guess.” 

“What was his happiness?” Sam asks but he knows, Dean realises. He’s always seemed to know. 

Dean wipes his eyes and swallows hard. 

“Me,” Dean says, “He was in love with me. Cas said _(you changed me I love you goodbye)_ his happiness wasn’t in the having but just in the saying it. Saying it was enough to call the Empty.

“He told me he loved me and I- I couldn’t say a damn thing. I just stood there. I _didn’t say it back_ and now he’s gone and that’s gonna haunt me for the rest of my hopefully very short life,” Dean rubs his hand over his face. “That’s what you wanted to know, huh? Well, now you know.” There’s a low ache in Dean’s chest that he doesn’t think will ever go away.

Sam is silent for a long moment. 

“I’m sorry,” he finally says. 

“Yeah. Me too,” Dean replies. “I thought we had more time. There’s never enough time.”

After, when the battle with Chuck is over and they’ve won, they’ve actually won and Dean can’t really believe it, not with the loss of Cas still hanging over him like a spectre, Gabriel comes to him. Dean is sitting in the library away from the chatter of the others. He doesn’t feel much like joining in on the celebrations.

“That was good work, Deano.” 

Dean huffs a laugh, “Oh yeah, that was _great._ ” 

Gabriel stands in front of Dean, forcing him to look up, “Hey. This was a _win_ , the ultimate win. The Winchesters saved the day. Ding dong the bad guy is gone. Your brother is making eyes at Eileen, everyone is back--“ 

“Not everyone,” Dean says, quietly. Gabriel nods his head in acquiescence. 

Dean thinks that Gabriel has no right to look so smug when Cas is still a hundred million miles below the ground, stuck in the Empty. Forever. 

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” Gabriel says, brightening. He turns suddenly and calls Sam and Jack into the room. Dean’s stomach twists. 

“Jack and I have been, uh, pooling our resources, and we think we can open the door to the Empty.” 

Gabriel looks at Dean, really _looks_ at him. “Do you know what I mean?” 

Dean stands, gut tightening. “What do you mean, ‘you think’?” There’s a small flicker of hope building in his chest but he can’t bear to acknowledge it.

Gabriel stretches his hands out to his sides, confidence shining as he grins. “Okay, I don’t think, I know. We’re just that good.” 

Dean shakes his head to clear the sudden ringing. No, he thinks, there couldn’t be. There couldn’t be an actual chance. He looks at Sam who smiles and nods. Jack is practically bouncing on the spot with excitement and suddenly Dean realises. They _are_ that good. Holy fuck.

“Call it a parting gift,” Gabriel shrugs. “Not quite seven minutes in heaven but you got seven minutes to go get him, tiger”. He snaps his fingers, and a portal opens. 

With a backwards glance at Sam, Dean wastes no time. He runs through the portal and into the Empty. The darkness is almost suffocating but there’s no time to adjust. 

“Cas!” He shouts. Dean peers through the black, straining to see. He can see the tiny light of the portal’s opening behind him but it’s barely bright enough to light the space around him. Dean checks his phone for the time. Only seven minutes. He ventures further, calling Castiel’s name. 

Three minutes pass, then four. 

He needs more time, he can’t do this. It’s not enough. 

Dean sees it then, a glimmer of hope in a flash of tan.

 _Cas._

He runs towards Castiel, shouting. Cas looks up, eyes widening in disbelief. Dean skids to a stop in front of Cas who looks away. 

“This is a trick,” he murmurs. 

Dean kneels and catches Cas’ eyes. “We don’t have a lot of time right now, Cas but I need you to trust me. I am _very_ real. You and me, we’re real.” 

Castiel’s eyes are very blue in the darkness. He knows that it’s Dean there with him.

“Twelve years ago, you gripped me tight and raised me from perdition. I think it’s time for me to return the favor, huh? Let’s go, Angel,” Dean says with a grin. He holds out his hand and pulls Cas up from the ground. 

“We only have a minute before the portal shuts, we got to go,” he pushes at Cas to start moving. 

They run towards the light (and isn’t that a laugh, Dean thinks). Closer and closer as the seconds tick down. Just when Dean thinks it’s over, they make it. 

Dean pulls Castiel through the portal with mere seconds to spare.

Cas is bent over, catching his breath when Jack slams into him, wrapping his arms around Cas. _You’re back,_ Dean can hear Jack saying. Moments later, Sam engulfs them both in a bear hug. 

Cas laughs. Dean’s heart is warm. He loves Cas fiercely in that moment. 

Sam finally lets Cas go and steps back. Tears in his eyes, Sam winks at Dean who shakes his head at his ridiculous brother.

Cas turns to Dean, smiling wider than Dean has ever seen. “Hello, Dean,” He says. He seems lighter, happier. 

Dean steps towards Cas, the most important thing he’s ever said in his life on the tip of his tongue. He wasn’t ready before but now he can’t imagine not saying it, not telling Cas after all these years. Cas is looking at him steadily, without expectation.

“You can have it, Cas, of _course_ you can have it. You changed my life... and I’m sorry you never knew, that I never told you. I always hoped you knew. You're it for me.”

Dean cups Castiel’s cheek, “I love you.” 

As Dean pulls Castiel forward into a kiss, neither of them can stop smiling. But then, that doesn’t seem to matter. They’re happy.


End file.
